I don’t even know where to begin when I state my diagnosis. I’m disgusted, ashamed, but mostly just hurt that my parents who were meant to love me the most, hurt me the most.
It’s hard having a father with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and a mother with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s hard having such a complex upbringing and as a result, complex trauma where not a lot of people understand exactly what I’m going through. I crave that understanding from others so much.
I know this is supposed to be a space of spirituality and “positivity”, but maybe my perfectionism got in the way of what I wanted you all to see from me. I’m sure you all hear that sentiment a lot from online influencers.
I think another thing that’s difficult about having Complex PTSD is that not a lot of people really quite understand it. Searches on Youtube for the disorder pulls up a lot of videos with professionals talking about it, not real people going through it. It makes me feel more alienated from knowing myself.
Before I received the diagnosis I’ve always wanted to find my struggles, pain, and story in a book. Now I can see myself very clearly through CPTSD self help books like Pete Walker’s, “From Surviving to Thriving”. Side note, I actually emailed him about becoming a therapist to which he responded with his own sentiments about it. That was nice of him.
I don’t want to nourish myself with foods that I actually want to eat, buy the things I actually want to buy, or do the things I truly want to do. It’s like somehow me doing those things for myself is really scary and it’s better to protect myself from having my joy stripped away from me from the parents living inside my super ego.
It’s hard to live, to attempt to achieve. Sometimes I find myself wondering if there’s any point to waking up because I usually feel my past trauma echoing into the present, debilitating self-esteem, and the erasure of my core identity. As I type those words I can picture my parents ravaging my body to feed off my of energy like a huge, monstrous leech. I was just their narcissistic supply, after all.
My guardian angel Erik Medhus tells me that I’m an Earth Angel, as these beings go through a lot in life to show others that life will go on. Boy, do I know it.
As I type about Erik he sends me a song through Spotify. Ironically, the song is called “Hold on” by Sam & Dave. Enjoy this spirit guide encounter, maybe he is speaking this through me to you as well.
“Don’t you ever be sad
Lean on me when times are bad
When the day comes and you are down
In a river of trouble and about to drown
Just hold on, I’m comin’
Hold on, I’m comin’
I’m on my way, your lover
If you get cold, yeah, I will be your cover
Don’t have to worry, ’cause I’m here
No need to suffer, baby, cause I’m near
Just hold on, I’m comin’
Hold on, I’m comin’
Hold on, I’m comin’
Hold on, I’m comin’
Lookie here
Reach out to me
For satisfaction, yeah
Lookie here, Dave, that’s all she got to do
Call my name, yeah, for quick reaction
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah”